MACCULTURE: A to Z
taken from the Macclesfield English Dictionary (MED)
The most valuable commodity on the Macc Exchange, much sought after at the Ale Bank.
Stocks for transfusions are permanently low. There are 24-hour Ale Machines on Mill St
and Ale Bags in the hospital freezer.
An LP released in 1994. The yellow one. In addition to guitars, drums and kazoos, the Lads had now learned to play the anvil and the jew's harp.
But Muttley still can't sing.
Over the Carpet
Regular support act 1982-5, featured guitarist Neil Axminster, saxophonist Sarah Wilton,
a singer called Waremout Wilf, and a one legged drummer.
Q:"What do you give the girl that has everything?"           A:"Herpes."
A 6- track EP from 1989 featuring the Lads, Eddie Shit and Fatman-Turner-Overweight.
Some versions also contained "Uncle Knobby's Pet's Corner"- starring Knobby, sellotape,
a hamster called George, a vibrating butt-plug, and an electric drill.
Responsible for the sexual initiation of Macclesfield's teenagers.
Lengthy queues of spotty youths could be seen outside her door on a wet playtime.
A TV-like gadget found in offices. Invented in Macc, but we're not sure what they do.
Noun, expletive, verb and adjective.
Also the subject of songs by Macc musicians:
E.G: Fungus Sharkey: "A Good Arse These Days Is Hard to Find."
Stuart Rod: "You're In My Arse"
Pyrotechnic expert. Somewhat blown away by the arrival of Mr Methane.
Designed the Macc Lads and Hectic House logos.
When the Lads got lost in the fog in Belgium, they all decided to sleep in the Viva.
Bammy stuffed a dead cat under the front seat- and buggered off to the pub.
Useless, fat, lying cunt.
Called for back-up at a Preston gig, as he was having trouble throwing out a rowdy fan.
The roadies arrived in the nick of time to save him from a 13-year old girl.
Afterwards he told the band, who hadn't seen the incident, that there were:
"Half a dozen big lads causing mither." Fat, lying, lardy lump.
The centre of Macc life from 1785-1994. Built on an ancient burial ground, the site is consecrated,
-planning applications have been filed to turn it into a place of worship.
Known as "The Beater" because he beats about the bush.
He was only happy during guitar solos.
Everything and everybody else he loathed and detested...
"Hey Beater! The gig's sold out! The single's just charted! There's fit birds and ale waiting for you in the dressing room! Slimy's given you a £500 bonus!... Great eh?"
Beater : "Sigh, hurrumph ... its still raining...."
& Sex & Chips n Gravy
When Hectic House closed down, and before it was knocked down, the Lads redecorated it,
putting this sign on the front. Old ladies were heard moaning:
"Tut! That bloody cheese shop is never bloody open!"
There has been a "Sweaty Betty" residing in Macc since records began.
A document of 1302 records Macc O'Polo mounting an Elysabeth Bigge with:
"Grappeling hookes and seege tower."
Shakesbeer himself recounts:
"None could comprehend the bulke of Lizzy Large, I ordered a hackney to get round her arse."
Oscar Vile's Ballad of Bedding Betty (1899) recalls:
"I boarded the bus near Betty's neck, the best view was afforded upon the top deck,
Fellow passengers alighted at her tits, I remained for two stops and got off at her clit."
Dressed in black plastic, a gothic monstrosity who's voice could fossilise dogshit.
Her finest moment is the intro to Alehouse Rock.
She is now a care assistant working with the mentally handicapped. She takes them on day trips,
and is often heard asking pub landlords: "Can I bring me spacks in?"
Known as Piss of the Gods- this sacred liquid flows in the veins of every true Macc Lad.
An LP released in 1987. The red one.
Its release was held-up by protests over the track "Feed Your Face";
and Slimy's reluctance to pay the pressing plant.
Boddington's Bitter. A vital ingredient for the cultivation of the beergut/ kite/ fuel tank.
Various items have been sanctioned for use as arsewipe.(See: CHOCOLATE STARFISH CLEANERS )
n Roll Circus
An EP released in 1990, featuring the Lads and Eddie Shit.
A limited edition of these also boasted Uncle Knobby's Pet's Corner
- featuring the Pervert, a toad, a tampon and a sledgehammer.
The river which runs through Macc. Known as the River Jordan until the 1700s-
this was a corruption of the Medieval River Gordon- as the Chinaman had sole fishing rights.
Everything in the song was true. He never stopped; his naughtiness knew no bounds.
Every day Naughty Boy would 'acquire' something new through his nocturnal activities.
During football conversations in the pub, he would suddenly blurt out: "Wanna buy any pigs?"
Alleged singer, employed to wail and croon at funerals.
Many women have claimed that the song was written about them.
Muttley will not reveal the song's real heroine.
In 1982, when a photo of the Lads was developed,
a graffiti on a wall was revealed:
'Charlotte is the biggest slag in Macc'.
Sadly the wall was knocked down, despite a preservation being applied for.
A pseudonym used by the Lads to circumnavigate the bans.
They adopted posh voices, and even had their own song:
" Good day, we're the Macc Chaps, We go to wine bars, But we never walk there,
We drive there in our cars, We all work for daddy, He bought us our GTIs,
And a skiing trip at Christmas, And that was a nice surprise."
However, it fooled no one, and the Lads got banned anyway.
Invented by Gordon during the Great Turnip Famine of 1606.
Now available at selected emporia outside Macclesfield.
If any of these anal tales had happened to you, would you tell anyone?
There are witnesses to the underpant tale, and corroboration for the patio incident.
However, all the desperate details came straight from the arse's mouth, so to speak.
When will he realise that he isn't black?
Driving through Glasgow, the Lads nearly ran over an old crippled bag woman.
"Urgh!" Shouted Johnny Mard, "She's even uglier than Dread's bird!"
"Is she fuck!" Protested Dread.